Or PPD as it is also known, is that feeling you get when your friends were all around for an extended weekend and fun times were had and now it’s Monday. Everyone has gone home, you forgot to do laundry and you have to face that proposal or meeting that you wished had been miraculously cancelled.

Being a full-time missionary means that PPD is often a regular part of life.  Friends move on and off the mission field.  Teams from home come and you are given just enough time to connect and then everyone gets on a plane and you are faced with a Friday night alone.  Being a single woman means these are never good times.  The loneliness is tangible and I kind of shuffle around the house looking for signs of life.  Since I am indeed alone, I find none but my own left over coffee grounds…and I start to pout.  Yes, I am  an introvert and crave alone time–so none of this is incredibly logical…  Nonetheless, my imagination takes flight and I determine that I will be alone forever and that  no one loves me. Nor that anyone ever will really love me.  It’s a pretty pathetic sight. (You can only imagine how volatile things get if PPD comes at the dawn of PMS.)

Today, I was cleaning my room and resting from 2 teams in February & March, I was beginning to feel that old, unwelcome feeling.  Since it is Sunday, I decided to catch up on some missed sermons from River West, my home church.  Guy started a series on Ruth recently and talked about Naomi first.  Naomi was alone.  Super alone.  For real A.L.O.N.E.  In her culture, your man was everything and a widow without a husband or sons was worse than nothing–she was a walking target for injustice of every kind.  Rather than bring her daughters-in-law into a tragic future, she even sent them  away, to return to their homes.  Guy talked about the deep scares that Naomi was suffering under and the impact that trauma can have on our ability to see rightly.  When Naomi told Ruth to go, Ruth responded with one of the most beautiful statements of solidarity and love:

But Ruth said, “Do not urge me to leave you or to return from following you. For where you go I will go, and where you lodge I will lodge. Your people shall be my people, and your God my God.  Where you die I will die, and there will I be buried. May the Lord do so to me and more also if anything but death parts me from you.”  Ruth 1:16 & 17

Just before this verse, it says that Ruth clung to Naomi and refused to be moved.  She was committed to continue the journey that God had set her feet on.  It’s truly a beautiful moment.

But Guy pointed out something really interesting that I had never noticed.  Naomi didn’t really respond.  Ruth uttered pure poetry and love and Naomi was too blind to really even notice that God had not left her alone but had given her Ruth.  When I heard this, I thought, “Has God provided me a Ruth and I missed it?”  As I reflected on the week, I realized I have been surrounded by Ruth’s, but I have just been too dim to appreciate it.

I am never really alone.  This morning I skyped my parents.  We hadn’t talked in a week or so and it was a joy to see their faces.  Although all is clear now, mom had a brief cancer scare recently and I was just happy to see her looking relaxed.  Dad commented on the weather because he always comments on the weather.  He really hates the cold and is jealous of my Africa heat.  My big brother is getting married in December, so we discussed all the plans!  I’m trying to help with some planning from Uganda and it is fun to think of ways that they can celebrate together.

Next up was a skype with my dear friends Ashley & Daniel. We talked about the sweet baby they are expecting in July/August.  I saw Ashley’s baby bump and wondered at how lovely she looked and what great parent’s they will be.  I cannot wait to be Tia Tina to this new little one and show him/her the many delights that God gave us to enjoy: skittles, fresh baked bread, the sound of Sam Cooke’s voice, the purr of a kitty…

I also received quite a few emails, texts, cards and Facebooks posts from people this week just telling me how much they love me, how they are praying for me, or just saying hello.  Jonathan in particular wrote a post about my strengths that really did make me cry.

All that is to say that I am surrounded by Ruth’s, whether I have all my favorites in the room with me or we are strewn around the globe.  And for that, I am so deeply thankful.  Although I’m sure I will forget again–I think I have written this exact blog some time in the past– but until then I will thank God for each one of you that has shared some TLC over the years that I have been serving away from home.  I could not do it without you.

And I am even more resolved to stand alongside the Naomi’s that I know here and around the world–the women standing alone and facing uncertain futures.  You are not alone–not as long as I can help it!

Those of you that know me, know that no blog in one month means that I have been running like a mad woman.  Yes, I have. We have had two teams from the US. I moved into my place on the 11th and have been trying to figure out how to cook, clean and manage life. I’m just starting to get myself organized at my office in Ngeru and the power comes and goes throughout the week.  I’m completely exhausted by 9pm and need about 8-9 hours of sleep to feel rested.  In short, I have been in adjustment mode.

And, to be honest, I am not my most lovely in adjustment mode.  You would think that a girl that moves as much as me would have learned to chill and roll with it, but instead I get stressed and cranky.  And when that happens joy eludes me and that sucks for the people around me.(So, um, sorry guys…)

This weekend I actually took time off (for the most part) and tried to catch up on some rest.  I sat down and prayed.  I read Psalm 20:

Psalm 20

This was the perfect Psalm for where I am at.  My heart’s desire is that God would use me to serve the children here as I support the staff.  My heart is that orphans would experience God’s love as we find healthy homes for them.  I long for our staff to experience God daily as they serve him in their work.  I am passionate that God’s justice would come to Uganda and that poverty, disease and abuse would be banished forever.

All true, but I get a little pissed when I am inconvenienced by some ineffectual process or the slow pace of change here.  I can get defensive when I am challenged by an idea that is different than mine.  I get mad when hundreds of years of colonialism makes people look at me as some kind of magical piggy bank.  It’s almost as, if in my heart, I thought I could just come in and shake a magic Jesus wand and everything would run in health and joy and love.  I know that is against every book and deep belief I have about development work, but ultimately, I think my behavior reveals that as a truth about my true beliefs.

The good news–no the very best news–is it’s not really up to me (because if it was, I would be in Portland, drinking Stumptown and considering what tattoo I want next.) In reality, it’s not about my heart, but God’s heart in me.  I know this because I am too much of a jerk getting distracted by gecko poop constantly around me (the little lizards are all over my house and constantly leaving nasty trails…) and turning into a grump over some inconveniences. And as Paul said in Corinthians 12:

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

If ANY of the things I hope to result from my time here are to happen, it will only be when I submit my weaknesses to Christ and lean heavy into His grace.  And that is going to take some patience, endurance and real commitment and for me to quite whining.  Yes, it is time for Tina to put on her big girl panties and really serve beyond myself.

And here is the real aha. I am here because I believe that God wants to make Uganda more like the kingdom he planned and for some reason  he has enlisted me in this work. (Poor staffing decision in the divine work plan.) And while I feel like the weak link these days, the Psalm says that “we rise and stand upright.”  To me, that means that ultimately God’s plan will see my heart’s desire and his heart’s desire realized.  Oh, how I pray that is so.

Thanks for listening, your prayers and emails.  All have encouraged me and keep me moving forward.  Praise God that he actually has the power to bring healing and health to a very broken world, even though he uses the strangest means possible. And here’s to a new month filled with a right perspective and hopefully a joyful heart.

PS: Next blog features some thoughts on the book that got me to accept this assignment in the first place.  It’s called The Call to Joy & Pain by Ajith Fernando.  Stay tuned!

So, a majority of this afternoon–at least 5 hours of it– was spent with Jaja and about 50 folks from her clan at a clan meeting.  This was the first meeting that gathered everyone together in a LOT of years and was a huge answer to prayer.  When Jaja became a Christian, much of her family disowned her.  When her husband died, no one offered to help her.  Over the years, she was not treated well, but people learned that she would care for their kids if they didn’t want to.  So they would not give her help or money, but would drop their kids off and let Jaja raise them!  And Jaja did love them and raised them as her own, but always reminding them to respect their birth mother most.

Over the year’s, Jaja’s selfless and generous spirit has won people over and when the clan recently decided that they needed to start meeting to discuss family issues, her home was selected for the first meeting.  This was a great honor and Jaja calls it a miracle of God.

So when she asked me to be her special guest and bring more honor to her home–I couldn’t say no.  It’s always an honor to bring a mzungu to anything–a role that is weird for me–but I’d do anything for Jaja.  So I went thinking I would be gone 2 hours and eventually slip out, but when I arrived and was given the seat of honor in the most visible spot I realized I was in for a long afternoon.  So I sat back and watched the event unfold.  There was an agenda and a chairmen.  The chairmen took them through the discussion giving everyone an opportunity to share.  Since it was all in Lugandan–I don’t know what was said but there was healthy debate, lots of laughter and a decision to meet every month to continue the connection.

The key topic was unity and it was pretty beautiful to see 50 people crammed into 2 small rooms dedicating themselves to unityt as a family.  It made me think of Psalm 133, “Behold, how good and pleasant it is when brothers dwell in unity!”

About 2/3 through, they told me that they had decided that I was now part of the clan and they named me “Mutesi.”  They said this is a royal name and that now I am like a princess. So someday Jaja should get a lot of cows for my marriage price. 😉

Now Jaja is happily singing, ‘Hallelujah” over and over.  I think that means the day went well.

 

Thursday night Mark Bertrand from The Giving Circle stopped by after work and offered to take me to a village he has just started working with not far from Bugembe.  So I hopped in the car with 5 dudes and headed to the sugar fields nearby.  We drove on new roads that I had never seen before.  The drive up the red dirt road rolled over acres and acres of sugar cane.   The sun was starting to set and it was simply beautiful.

When we pulled into the little village of Kagoma Gate, we were greeted with dancing, laughing and cheers of joy.  Mark’s team had recently put in a soccer field and some swings and are currently building a 3 room school.  This is pretty revolutionary, because Kagoma Gate Village doesn’t really exist.  They are basically squatters that used to work at the local sugar cane field but for various reasons can no longer work there.  Many nations are represented here of people that have fled some kind of violence or oppression in Congo, Rwanda, Tanzania, Northern Uganda, etc.  They fled looking for security but find themselves in a no man’s land on their own.  There are NO facilities in this village.  No electricity, no clean water, access to health care and certainly no access to education.  It is amazing what Mark’s team has accomplished in just a few months.  Truly his partners in crime–Moses and Ema–are a dynamic and skilled pair that are dedicated to caring for those in most need in their own community.

As we drove away, my heart was filled with grief for these families with so little AND great joy to see what Mark and his team are accomplishing.  I was struck again by the magnitude of the need here in Uganda and grateful to be amidst of community of people seeking God’s kingdom here on earth with justice, peace and love for even the lost ones.  I was powerfully moved.  I was challenged to keep my eyes open for people outside my database and lists. And I was so incredibly encouraged by the transformation that I see just beginning in Kagoma Gate.  I told Moses and Ema that I remember photos of AOET’s first children at our our school when it was just a roof and some polls, but today those children are bright and talented teens thinking about University.  My heart was filled with hope to think of some of those kids in Kagoma heading to University some day and forging a new destiny for their families.

In a  few weeks we have some teams coming and we will be working with AOET’s Health Clinic to provide a medical outreach to this community. Mark says it will be the first medical attention ever for many of the people in this community.  I am so excited and blessed that AOET can partner with Mark and serve this community.

Later in March I will head to Rwanda to visit the work of Africa New Life again. This is another dynamic ministry that I see impacting the lives of thousands of children and families in need. Angie Rettman & I have been regularly connecting, praying for one another, being sounding boards and generally supporting each other’s ministry.  I am hoping to convince some of the staff in Rwanda to actually help me  do some trainings with my staff here and am praying that God continue to guide us closer together in partnership.  Over and over I am encouraged, excited and joyful over the work I see happening at Africa New Life and I am so blessed by our friendship.

So, I just took an hour and wrote about 2 non-AOET ministries.  I’m sure that breaks some marketing rule somewhere, but that it one of the mysterious blessings of a life in ministry–we are all in this together.  Truly.  I cannot begin to explain how much I get out of seeing other ministries bloom and grow!  I love to see all of the different ways that God is at work and am strengthened to know that He is

making an army of servants to care for one another.  It seems like that is what He means when he talks about His kingdom.  I think my friends would agree that as we see God show up and provide for the people that we serve, we recognize over and over that He is big enough to care for all of us.  And for that, I am so thankful.

 

 

Psalm 8

¹ O LORD, our Lord,
how majestic is your name in all the earth!
You have set your glory above the heavens.
² Out of the mouth of babies and infants,
you have established strength because of your foes,
to still the enemy and the avenger.

Yep, this was an average morning worship session

³ When I look at your heavens, the work of your fingers,
the moon and the stars, which you have set in place,
⁴ what is man that you are mindful of him,
and the son of man that you care for him?

⁵ Yet you have made him a little lower than the heavenly beings^[b]
and crowned him with glory and honor.
⁶ You have given him dominion over the works of your hands;
you have put all things under his feet,
⁷ all sheep and oxen,
and also the beasts of the field,
⁸ the birds of the heavens, and the fish of the sea,
whatever passes along the paths of the seas.

⁹ O LORD, our Lord,
how majestic is your name in all the earth!

Forget Oprah!  I learned this week that part of my job is to stamp things and that is awesome.  While there are ways that Uganda holds on to old systems and processes that can make a mzungu a little batty, here is a tradition I can get behind!  Truly for any document to be official, it has to have the stamp of whomever is officially endorsing it.  Often, the stamper will stamp the document twice or three times.  I have not learned  all of the protocols of proper stamping but right now my philosophy is more is more.

To be honest, after a challenging day, NOTHING feels better than the finality of good stamp.  The smell of the ink, the thud of the pad, the beautiful imprint left behind…  Sheer bliss…

Hope today there is some little thing that makes you smile.

One of the first challenges of a new adventure is finding a home. For someone that travels so much, I really am a homebody.  I like a cute, cozy space to relax and refuel from all of the needs of the day.  I don’t need fancy, but clean is key.

Originally, I planned to wait a few months to find my own place but after some discussion it was decided that finding a home sooner than later would be best for everyone.  In retrospect, I should have known that I would have wanted my own place sooner but I was trying to be “practical”.  Well it turns out that practical is actually to find a place now!

So I began the crazy process last week.  Let’s just say I saw places ranging in price from $175-$1300!  And honestly, I only liked one of them.  It is on the pricier end than I wanted to spend–$600–(costing more than I pay for my part of my house in Portland!) but it seems worth the extra money for some calm and serenity.   Of course, it was a brutal realization that they wanted 6 months rent up front plus a month security!  Sheesh.  Still working out how I will make that happen, but I am trusting that it will all work out.

Someone is in the house til mid-Feb, so I couldn’t get pics of the interior, but here is the exterior:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Oh and did I mention is is right on the edge of Lake Victoria?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Here Moses is helping me negotiate my contract. 😉

So God continues to lead and provide and I am so thankful.

Next is car shopping, but I will wait a few months for that to happen!  I need to rest up…

 

Satisfy us in the morning with your steadfast love,
that we may rejoice and be glad all our days.
Make us glad for as many days as you have afflicted us,
and for as many years as we have seen evil.
Let your work be shown to your servants,
and your glorious power to their children.
Let the favor of the Lord our God be upon us,
and establish the work of our hands upon us;
yes, establish the work of our hands!

Psalm 90:14-17

There are many things to tell, but I think we need to start with the steadfast love of God, because that is really the whole point isn’t it?  So far this adventure has already had lots of turns and curves. Yet as I come around any bend, I find God there with his presence, his peace and his abundant love. And that is so humbling and so empowering.

Thursday I was officially introduced to the staff as the new Program Administrator.  Before hand I was so nervous.  I knew the management team wanted me to come, but I was unclear whether the staff would welcome me or be anxious about some mzungu (what they call a foreigner) coming around.   I knew I would have to share a word or two and I prayed hard about what to say.  How do I set the stage properly?  How do I let people know my heart?  How do I really communicate and connect with people with such different experiences than mine?  This had me totally stressed all week as I pondered what I should say.

Then I was reminded of a Psalm that Ginger shared a few months ago, Psalm 90.  I read the end of the Psalm and knew that was exactly what I had to share.

I find that often I get caught up on some anxiety, or some area where I feel God is being too slow or giving a poor response and I dwell there. I take for granted water, food, a home, people that love me and I blindly wonder, “Where is the steadfast love of the Lord?”  Just like any spoiled child.   Yet when I look at these verses, they proclaim the steadfast love of God and explain that the only real response is rejoicing.  That is something that my Uganda friends get so much better than I do!  They are gifted celebrators!  (I swear Jaja is at a wedding or party—or 3—every weekend!)  There is singing and dancing and so much laughter—really no matter what the circumstances are.   I hope to learn from them and I hope I can bring some of the celebration with me wherever I am in the world.

But this isn’t a blind joy.  Sometimes I feel like people treat Ugandans (and most Africans) as a provincial people that just smile their way through the chaos of life, not able to truly understand the poverty around them.  As if they don’t seem to know any better or are incapable of addressing the poverty around them.  And that is utter foolishness. I would wager that any African you know has seen more evil and experienced more reasons to become resentful, despondent and hopeless than I (and maybe you?) will ever understand. In fact, I would actually claim that most of us in the first world are the most ignorant of the poverty in our lives and have so much to learn from my wise friends here.  Embracing the steadfast love of God and living with gladness is a choice amidst much evil in this world.  There is no way around this—we see it everywhere in the news, in broken relationships and in so much injustice. And it is OK, even vital, to be irate about the evil we see.  It’s OK to shout!  It’s OK to pray for justice! But what I have learned over the last 3 years is that evil can be combated personally through choices for joy!   It can be hard to do, but no matter the weight around us, the light of Christ within us is so much more perfect. And that deserves a good hoot n’ holler!

The Psalmist continues into verse 16 expecting God’s glorious power to be played out.  When we see injustice, as Christians, our first belief should be that God has a plan to bring justice into the world.  Throughout the Bible he rages at mistreatment of orphans, widows and the helpless!  I know this is very hard for my non-Christian friends to believe but what is sad is that many Christians seem to doubt this as well.   And I’m not saying that it isn’t a complicated issue–I wish God would snap some genie fingers and fix all sin in one moment.  Trust me, as I am here in Uganda and hear story after story, my heart breaks deeply but what I know is that God became a man to be crucified for all men.  That does not sound like a stand-offish King that does not care about his people nor lacks the strength of conviction to get into the fight.  And is it that hard to believe that for whatever reason God is delaying is probably a pretty good one? He is God after all. I would hope He is smarter than a world that has produced reality television, David Hasselhoff and the Hummer.

The Psalmist seems to truly believe in the power of God but he also does not seem to tell God how to reveal his power.  He simply asks for the favor of God—as God does his big ol’ God thing—and that God would bless the work of his hands.  And that is exactly my prayer for the next year—that God would bless the work of ALL of our hands at AOET.  I pray that our staff is empowered in new ways to do their work in joy and success.  I pray that volunteers will catch the AOET spirit and give all that they have to this work and I pray that God will show more of himself to each volunteer.  I pray that people will find ways to bring vitally needed resources to this work—that they will advocate fearlessly!  I pray that friends and family will consider what God is doing through AOET in Uganda and Kenya and get involved.  I pray that my work would be fruitful, divinely led and always growing the gifts of others over all else.  And I pray that our kids would continue to kick butt on national exams and show that in a small communities in Uganda and Kenya, God is giving hope to children and they are responding by giving all they have!

Thanks to everyone that has been a gift of God’s favor in my life over the last few months.  It truly took a village to get this mzungu on her airplane and I am still blown away by more and more people that continue to step up and support this work.  Stay tuned for more thoughts from the journey…

As I prepare for a a 3 week trip that will find me in 3 African countries in August, I have been more than a little stressed out.  I have been working looong days attacking my to-do list and yet it feels like the things I said, “I have to get done,” remain undone as I drive home at 8pm. Being an achievement focused person, this drives me a little bonkers but  I’m learning that I have a few options to respond to the ever present avalanche of to-do’s that is the Christian life:

• Work myself within an inch of my life-Checking things off a list is like crack to me.   I love productivity. I am kind of giddy when left alone to just get stuff done. Unfortunately, the joy often gets depleted when I push myself too far, crash in exhaustion and realize that, once again, I have forgotten to live a life–not just a mission.
• Passionately procrastinate-This is when I have a deadline but instead decide I must clean my room.  The stress of the to-do list remains, but I easily accomplish other “tasks” and get my momentary high.  Obviously, this is just dumb.
• Humble myself, trust God and ask for help-As hard as this is to admit, I am not  changing the lives of orphans in Africa.  God is. And when I get nuts over my inability to create the world’s greatest video or report or Bible study on poverty, I am actually creeping into to the G.O.D. headquarters and trying my hat at a job that was never meant for me.  It’s like a chipmunk running for the Presidency.  Cute for a moment. Then a little sad. Potentially terrifying if ever elected.What I should be doing is admitting that I am a chipmunk and ask for help from God and those around me. Then I need to truly and honestly trust that God actually has things under control. And he doesn’t give two hoots about my list because he has this beautiful and perfect plan with lots of complicated color coding for all the wonderful ways that he weaves people and passion and parties into so many moments. All he asks is that I pause and notice what lovely things he has done this week and appreciate his on-going piece of art that is the real Christian life.

So, let me pause and just share a few moments–and photos–from my “unaccomplished” week.

• Show me your underwear – My parents kicked off our AOET underwear drive with 40 pairs of underpants and their cute grins. Then I got emails from all over that people have some underwear for us.  Rob & Cherie Rainwater ended the week with 60 pairs!  In our first week collecting, we have almost 300 pair of underwear. That’s almost half way to the goal for this trip and something that will truly delight the kids in Uganda & Kenya.
• Saying goodbye to 1999 – We also have collected 6 computers to use for technology for our staff in Africa. Some working, some not but all will some how find their way into supporting the lean infrastructure in Uganda.  One couple even donated the funds to purchase a new system! Honestly, folks response to this has blown me away and I get tingles when I think about delivering these to our staff!
• You say it’s your birthday – We planned a birthday bash for AOET families months ago. Little did we know that food shortages would plague eastern Africa and what we had planned as a morale booster would actually be a vital need. We hope to raise $5000 for food and basic necessities but donations had seemingly plateaued at $2000.  This stressed me out until God convicted me in my car ride to work that he had the resources to provide and my stress showed what little faith I had.  So I asked God to forgive me and turned my prayers to trust and thanksgiving that he truly has victorious power and will meet the needs of all of the AOET families.  And just to show off, God brought in $750 more dollars towards food on Friday alone. Wow.

As I think about it, literally hundreds of people have signed Birthday cards (including a whole VBS group at River West Church!) for kids in the program, I had lunch with a great friend, I cuddled with my cat and went to a great concert of cuban music with a dear friend and her two lovely daughters.  And the sun is finally shining in Portland.

This pretty much been a rock star week–even though I never got that spreadsheet done.  I guess I’ll just see how God plans to wow me with that one…